Newly separated from my husband, a man who has held my heart for nearly 20 years. At one time I truly adored and respected him, I would never have wanted recent events to have happened, not did I realise how much resentment I had buried over the years, so time and life have altered those deep emotions greatly, they are still just as deep, possibly deeper, yet they aren't wholesome or healthy. I am trying to heal my broken heart, one day at a time, to live as a single woman again after 17 years of being party of a couple its no mean feat, it means I have to do combat with one limiting thought after another. I am learning to forgive and come to terms with the fact my marriage didn't work, no matter what I tried, no matter how many times we "talked". At times the anger and sense of betrayal is so strong its crippling, yet I am choosing to be vulnerable and admit that even though it was my choice to separate, it was my last choice not my first.However, in all honesty I am much happier, positive and have a sense of freedom and wonder at life I havent felt in years, rather than being afraid of starting from square one, I feel excited by the prospect of "creating" my life in the image of my dreams.
I am also the mother of our 7 children, nearly all of which fit typical "ASD/ADHD" labels, since I am a home educating parent these labels have never mattered much to me, I prefer to look at my kids in spiritual terms, and I have so far been blessed to have given birth to indigo and crystal children. I love my kids, in all their complexities, I am not going to lie, we have had some problems along the way, yet with love, forgiveness and lots of "time and attention" things are coming together, the family is much more cohesive and more loving than ever before.
I run a four/five bedroom household, I often feed 12+ people, and have people sleeping on the sofa, on floors etc, it gets messy and noisy but we wouldn't change it for the world (ok, some days I admit I do long for quiet, but the upside is that my home is always full of laughter and fun, giggles and hugs, music and mayhem, mess and creativity. Yes my boundaries have to be strong, and again its assumed that because the youths like to visit it means no rules, if only that were true, I am less about rules and all into attitude, everyone makes mistakes, but to put them right proves atonement and allows the "issue" to be laid to rest !
I am also "ma" to loads of others, I love the youths in my community, and some of the children I feel privileged to know have become my "spiritual children" from my actual God-children to some of the local kids that call me mum too. People assume I am mad because my home is always full of kids and teens, they assume we are all up to no good, and sometimes they are right (see above regarding the household). Many of the kids I have here have been written off by the local community/school/friends etc, yet these are THE most creative, sensitive and talented kids around....
Due to having young children at home, home educating the others and now being a single parent, I am currently living on social benefits, which doesn't sit well with me. I was brought up with a very strong work ethic, I was working before I left school and I enjoy the feeling of making a contribution, (not that I do not consider parenting my children to NOT be contributing), I am not happy living on benefits, I want to be responsible for my family's financial needs and responsible for our future.
So I have decided to go and train and start up a business for myself or at least one of many I have ideas for. In October I am going to Birmingham to train with Nurturing Birth, following that I am undertaking an eight part package of learning for complimentary therapies from the School of Natural Health Sciences,
I have also started with a group called Link4Growth, I am to be a District Leader for Derbyshire (currently in training), organising events such as Link4Coffee, Link4Tea, Link4Drinks and Link4Breakfast, among others. It actually quite an exciting prospect to get local buisnesses, charities, people and the youth all together to exchange ideas on what we can all do to be a positive force for change in our local communities. I have already been on Community TV with +Gerri Riddiough who is very quickly becoming a good friend (like a sister if you know what I mean), and +Carol Dodsley too, both amazing and successful women in their own right I am very blessed to be a part of Link4Growth, I like their vision, and so far it seems everyone is valued and all ideas or suggestions taken on board. I am due to visit Gerri with Carol and +Chris Ogle at Redcar for a Link4Drinks evening on the 28th August 2014 before I launch my first event on the 23rd September 2014.
I was also recently added to a group on Facebook called "Today I'm Appreciating..." founded by a lovely lady called Sandra Chapman, she has been such a wonderful support and blessing to many through this very rapidly growing group, where the emphasis is on appreciation of our own lives and of others, it a great group and through this group I now have loads more people in my "circle" all offering positivity, love and light...I am very blessed. I am even having a meet with one of my new "friends" Janet, we are going to discuss writing my story... which is so intriguing...
I am also looking forward to going to the Burlesque Fair in Bimingham in the beginning of September with my friend Nina, looking forward to that and to staying with my friends Lisa and Dave. Then a weekend at the home of my best friend in all the world Elle and Dave and my beautiful Godchildren Daniel, Crystal and Jathan.
So there are just some of the themes running through my life nowadays, and also the subject of many of the future posts in this my "little" blog...
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